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Lord of the Strange: The Bizarre Group in Possession of the Ring
Copyright © 2005-2007 by Aster Rose - All rights reserved		 

Lord of the Strange: The Bizarre Group in Possession of the Ring
by Aster Rose
Lord of the Strange
Special Edition
Script
By: Karina McCorkle

Narrator: Says things that need to be said.
Frodo- The businessman ring bearer always trying to sell something.
Bilbo- Auctioneer. Almost auctions away the ring before he leaves.
Sam-Plant loving bus driver. Often sings songs about plants.
Merry and Pippin- Always eating chick-fil-a workers
Aragorn- Peace loving hippie not yet king of humans.
Legaylas -Gay elf. Thinks he is all that.
Gimli-Dwarf beard stylist
Boromir-Goth son of Denethor (human)
Gandalf-secret agent (tries to pretend he is still a wizard)
Sauron-Disco loving king of evilness
Gollum- Sauron’s coach in evilness/pyschopathic homicidally suicidal creature who sometimes thinks he is a cow
Crazyuman-Puppeteer who dresses up in a lizard costume
Arwen- Aragorn’s elf hippie girl friend
Orcs- evil teddy bears.
Uruk-Hai- Barbie dolls
Orcs’ wolves of something or another-wind up poodles.
Bikini Girl #1-self-explanatory
Bikini girl #2-Ditto
Elrond- Rapper elf, father of Arwen and owner of the Rivendeli
Ents- ballet dancers
Nazgul-Backup singers for Sauron
Random Girl #1-Pops up randomly says random things
Random Girl #2- Ditto
Attractive Girl #1- Co-host for Fashion 411.
Attractive Girl #2- Host for Fashion 411.
Police man #1-tries to arrest Frodo.
Policeman #2-ditto
Lawyer- Goes with the policeman to get Frodo on welfare.
There are other characters. I just didn’t feel like listing then
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Now for the play.
Book 1: The Bizarre Group in Possession of the Ring ( That Probably Shouldn’t Be )
Act 1
Scene 1
(Attractive Girls #1 and 2 enter)
Attractive Girl#2- Welcome to Fashion 411! I’m Attractive Girl #2 and this is my co-host Attractive girl #1!

Attractive Girl#1- Today we’re going tell you what the latest summer fashions are!
Attractive girl#2-Even though it’s the middle of winter!
Attractive girl#1- Yeah! And now its time to show you the fashions!
Attractive girl#2- This here is a lovely pink bikini…
(blacks out)
Narrator: No no no! Not regular TV! We want the video Stupid!
Legaylas: Darn! I thought some men were going to come on! They’re always good-looking on these kinds of shows!
(Frodo sitting under a tree counting gold. Wearing yellow suit and bowler hat)
Frodo: 1,487, 1488, 1489….Hey one’s missing! (searches frantically for gold piece then finds in pocket )Phew! I thought I’d lost you.
(Gandalf enters in his cart)
Gandalf: Hello Frodo. Glad to see you.
Frodo: Hello Gandalf!(walks up to Gandalf) Umm…(takes hat off head) would you like to buy this wizard’s hat? It’s…errr…very wizardly!
Gandalf: Of Course!
Frodo: OK! That will be $150, 000, 000.
Gandalf: (turns around and speaks into walkie-talkie.) This is agent 3838. I need $150,000,000….No really it’s for my wizard disguise……No I don’t have drinking problems…..No I’m not a drug addict……I do gamble a little but……Whatever goodbye. (turns back to Frodo)
Frodo: Well?
Gandalf: Look I’ll pay you back later gimme the hat.
Frodo: Ok here you go. (gives hat)
Gandalf: (adjusts on head) Thanks dude! Let’s go to Bilbo’s birthday party!
(all exit)
Scene 2
(crowd is gathered around a platform on which Bilbo stands. Furniture also on platform)
Bilbo: Going once going twice sold to the hobbit with the purple mittens!
(hobbit comes up and gets furniture piece. Bilbo sells several more pieces)
Now look at this lovely ring! Pure gold! The auctioning will began at $2,000. I’ll try the ring on to demonstrate. (puts on ring and disappears)
Crowd: (make awed noises, ad lib, act surprised.)
Frodo: What the………..? Gandalf can you………? (Gandalf is not there)
Scene 3
(Bilbo runs around packing things up. Gandalf enters)
Gandalf: Bilbo! What are you doing?
Frodo: I’m leaving! I’m going to go on an adventure!
Gandalf: Give me the ring!!
Bilbo: Why? I can make money off it!!
Gandalf: I see the ring already has you in its grip. You must give it to me Bilbo!
Bilbo:: No!
Gandalf: I’ll sing the “gets on everybody’s nerves” song!
Bilbo: You wouldn’t!
Gandalf: I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is how it goes: I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is how it goes: I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is how it goes: I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is how it goes: I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is how it goes: I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is how it goes: I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is how it goes: …..
Bilbo: Dak! Must not listen! Ignore!
Gandalf: I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is how it goes: I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is how it goes: I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is how it goes: I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is how it goes: I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves, everybody’s nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody’s nerves and this is……
Bilbo: I give in! Here is the ring! (Gives ring) Give it to Frodo!
Gandalf: OK.
(Bilbo exits. Frodo enters)
Frodo: there you are Gandalf! But…Where’s Bilbo?
Gandalf: He left.
Frodo: What! But he was giving me money. So that I wouldn’t have to go on welfare!
Gandalf: Forget that. Who cares about finance?
(Policeman #1 and #2 enter as well as lawyer)
Policeman #1: You’re on welfare now!
Policeman #2: Yeah!
Lawyer: It is so. Unless you can give us the money.
Frodo: Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Run away!
Gandalf: Chocolate chip cookie dough bubble-gum toothpaste!
(All except Frodo & Gandalf exit)
Frodo: Phew! I’m terrified of lawyers!
Gandalf: I must leave now!
Frodo: But…But….I thought you would stay for at least a week! I need someone to look after me!
Gandalf: Frodo! Your 33 for goodness sakes! Today is your bloody birthday! Oh and Bilbo left you a certain ring. Be very careful with it!!!
Frodo: Oh right I am 33. I’ll be careful with the ring!
Gandalf: Goodbye now! I don’t expect to see you for a long time.
Narrator: And Frodo didn’t see him for a long time. Exactly one hour, four minutes, and fifty nine seconds.
(Gandalf re-enters)

Gandalf: Anyway Frodo. You now have in your possession a thing of great power! The ring!
Frodo: Wha…?
Gandalf: The ring that Sauron made!
Frodo: Uhhh…Operator?
Gandalf: The ring that Isildur got from Sauron and refused to throw into Mount Broom! And then was lost in time!
Frodo: Excuse me?
Gandalf: Bilbo’s ring. The one that’s all gold and shiny.
Frodo: Ooooohhhhhhh. You mean that ring.
Gandalf: Yes. Well you see a long time ago Sauron made it….
Frodo: Bilbo was in cahoots with Sauron!?
Gandalf: NO! Sauron made it and he used it to control all the other rings he had given to the elves and dwarves and such…
Frodo: Hobbits too?
Gandalf: No none to hobbits. And so all the races went to war with him and his army of orcs….
Frodo: ORCS! You mean those deliriously happy teddy bears?
Gandalf: YES! NOW SHUT UP!
Frodo: ok!
Gandalf: And so Sauron killed Isildur’s father and so Isildur got mad and he chopped off
Sauron’s finger which just so happened to have the ring on it. And then Sauron blew up!
So Isildur took the ring. And Elrond came up to him and said, “Yo! Isildur! You need to like totally like throw that ring into Mount Broom yo! Got it dude!?” But Isildur refused.
So he took the ring and then he was riding through the forest and he got shot. Then the ring dropped into the river. And then Gollum….
Frodo: Uhh…Gandalf, is your throat okay?
Gandalf: YES! IT’S THE CREATURE’S NAME YOU DOLT!! MY THROAT IS FINE!!
Frodo: Name, yeah sure, right.
Gandalf: And Gollum found it and he lived in a cave under a mountain and Bilbo found it. Okay?
Frodo: Hum-dee-dum-dum.
Gandalf: FRODO! WERE YOU EVEN LISTENING?
Frodo: Listening? Uhhh….Of course! Now what were you saying?
Gandalf: Look Frodo, you are the ring bearer now. It is your job to…
Sam (from offstage): Oh no! We’re all going to die aren’t we? What if I never see a plant again!?
Gandalf: That Sam Gamgee! What am I to do with him!?
Merry(from offstage): Hey! How come Sam gets all the credit? It was my idea!
Pippin (from offstage): My idea too! In fact it was all my idea to listen at the window even though we didn’t even have a good reason for it!
Merry(Offstage):Was not!
Pippin(Offstage): Was too!
(Sam, Merry & Pippin enter. Merry and Pippin are still bickering)
Gandalf: I should’ve known! (sighs) Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrine Took! They talked you into this didn’t they Sam?
(Sam nods)
Merry: It was not!!!
Pippin: Was too!!
Gandalf: SHUT UP!!
Merry&Pippin: OKAY!
Gandalf: Anyway Frodo you are the ringbearer now. You must take the ring to Mount Broom and cast it into the fire there!
Frodo: O-o-ok-kk-ay!
S& Merry&Pippin: What! an adventure without us?!!
Gandalf: Sam you will make a worthy companion for Frodo. But Meriadoc and Peregrine you must stay behind.
Pippin: Wait a second! A. I hate it when people call me Peregrine! Call me Pippin the awesomely cool chick-fil-a worker who wants you to eat more chicken . B. What’s so great about Sam? Why does he get to go?
Merry: Yeah! Why does he get to go!?
Gandalf: Because he can drive a bus you fools!
Merry: well we can…we can….We’re good at………..Eating and advertising to eat more chikin!
Gandalf: No! You cannot go!
Pippin: Pretty please with a cherry on top?
Merry: And chocolate syrup?
Gandalf: I don’t like chocolate syrup!
Merry: Caramel syrup then?
Gandalf: Oh alright! You can go then!! But be careful! Meet me at the Inn of the Killer Walrus!
Sam: Killer Walrus?
Gandalf: Doesn’t matter! I have to go find some hot gir…..uhhhh….I mean talk to Crazyuman the White Lizard! Keep the ring safe Frodo! And never put it on! And beware of riders in black! Oh and call yourself Mr. Blundersnill instead of Mr. Baggins so no one will know who you are! And remember keep your nose clean! Literally! I mean Frodo did you know that like half the time you have boogers hanging out of your nose? It’s really gross! Goodbye!
(Gandalf exits)
Sam: Well let’s get on the bus!
(all exit)
Scene 4
(all in bus. Sam driving)
Sam: Gardening rocks wahoooo! Yeah! My love for plants is so great! What would I do Without plaaaaannnnnts!? (Song ends) Ooops I did it again! I drowned the carrots with the hose! Now they are dead and I pricked myself on a rose! Oh carrots, carrots! I’m not that innocent!…….
(all other hobbits stare at Sam in annoyance)
Frodo: Can we sing another song puleaase!
Sam: Sure! How about the A-Z flower Song?
Frodo&Merry&Pippin: NO!
Pippin: How about the Llama Song?
All: Yeah!
(Random Girl# 2 And Bikini Girl# 1 enter)
All: Here’s a llama, There’s a llama, and another little llama, Fuzzy llama, Funny llama, Llama, llama, duck! Llama, llama, Cheesecake, llama, tablet, brick, potato, llama, llama, llama, mushroom llama, llama, llama duck! I was once a treehouse, I lived in a cake,! But I never saw how the orange slayed the rake, I was only three years dead, but it told the tale! And now listen little child to the safety rail! Did you ever see a llama? Kiss a llama on the llama, Llama’s llama, Tastes of llama, Llama, llama, duck! Half a llama, twice a llama, not a llama, Farmer’s llama, llama in a car, Alarm a llama, Llama duck! Is that how it’s told now? Is it all so old? Is it made of lemon juice? Doorknob, ankle, cold, Now my song is getting thin I’ve run out of luck! Time for me to retire, now and become a duck!
(Random Girl#2 and Bikini Girl#1 exit)
All: Yay!
Frodo: For some reason I feel that we should…ABANDON STEAK!
Sam: Don’t you mean abandon bus?
Frodo: Uhhh…yeah.
(All get out of bus and lie flat on road. Nazgul #1 rides by and gets in the bus inspecting it. Hobbits lie scared on road. Nazgul leaves)
Frodo: That was scary!
Merry: You can say that again!
Frodo: That was scary!
Merry: You can say that again!
Frodo: That was scary!
Merry: You can say that again!
Pippin: Oh shut up!
(bus randomly stops)
Sam: Hey the bus stopped!!
Frodo: Guess we have to walk!
(Walk across stage where Merry bumps into tree. Mouth opens in tree and tries to eat Merry. Tom Billybobjoebadil enters)
Tom Billybobjoebadil: What have we here sonny? Hup, Huiup!
Frodo: Merry is being eaten by that tree!
Tom Billybobjoebadil: Weell I can see thiat sonny! Hiup!
Frodo: well can you save him?
Tom Billybobjoebadil: Of course sonny! Hiup!
Frodo&Sam&Pippin: Well get on with it already!
Tom Billybobjoebadil: Aulright, aulright!
(Tom Billybobjoebadil pulls Merry out of tree’s grasp)
Merry: Thanks Mr…..
Tom Billybobjoebadil: Tom Billybobjoebadil.
Merry: Oh. Thanks Mr….Billybogjobafillyionthingymabobber.
Tom Billybobjoebadil: Y’all liook tiried! Ceeome to my hiouse! Hiup!
Hobbits: Ok!
(all exit)
Scene 5
(at Tom Billybobjoebadil’s house. Hamncheese enters)
Tom Billybobjoebadil: This is my wife Hamncheese!
(Bikini Girl#1 enters and Attractive Girl#2 enters And Random Girl#1)
Bikini Girl#1- I’m Bikini Girl #1 I am so much better than bikini girl #2! Because my bikini is quasar yellow and hers is just plain old blue. Pay attention to me! I’m so hot and cool!
Merry: Are quasars yellow?
Attractive Girl#2- No me! They’re supposed to like me!! It’s in my name! Attractive Girl #2! Boys are supposed to like attractive girls right?
(Hobbits stare at the 2 blankly)
Random Girl#1: Cows fly and say oink! Mammal! Bananananananana! J’aime l’algebre! Bof! Barbant! Nul! MOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! My eyes hurt! Happy days! Frog guts go spurt! Bwahahaha!
Bikini Girl#1&Attractive Girl#2- Pay attention to us! (exit)
(Random Girl#2 enters)
Random Girl#2: Ahhhhhhh! Ushi vache cow! LA LA LA! Guess what everybody ladybugs spurt poison from their kneecaps!
Random Girl#1: And the electric chair was invented by a dentist! Froggie! Fishie!
Random Girl#2: And pi equals 3.1415 something something something blah blah blah!
Random Girl#1: J’adore un roman! LLAMA!!!! The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep in a lifetime! I’m grossing you guys out aren’t I? YAY!!! I LOVE APPLE PIE!!! Oh yeah, and cult movies, and penguins, and fuzzballs, and….
Frodo: Could you just SHUT UP!!
Random Girl#1: Ok. TTFN! Ta Ta for now! And once this penguin came and he ate my…
Frodo: GO!!
(Random Girl # 1 exits, Frodo glares at Random Girl #2)
Random Girl #2: Meep?
Frodo: YOU TOO!!!
(Random Girl #2 shuffles out)
(Hamncheese serves food and exits)
Tom Billybobjoebadil: I think you need to leave now! G’bye!
(all exit)

Scene 6
(Frodo walking on a spooky path)
Frodo: Sam, Merry, Pippin? Where are you? Hello!!
(dark shape walks in front of him)
Frodo: Who are you?
Dark Shape: a barrow.
Frodo; You mean like a wheel barrow? I didn’t know they could….
Barrow wight: No! A Barrow.
Frodo: Oh no! Not that kind of barrow! AAAAAhhhhhh!
(black out)
(lights on, but dimmed)
Frodo: Oh no! A Barrow-wight got me! What shall I do! (Merry&Pippin&Sam appear lying clad in white with eyes closed) Merry! Pippin! Sam! Can you hear me!
Sam: No! Of course not! I’m dead for goodness sakes!
Pippin: Me too!
Merry: Me three!
Frodo: Oh.
(Voice starts singing, then Tom Billybobjoebadil, the singer, enters)
Tom Billybobjoebadil: Here’s a llama, There’s a llama, and another little llama, Fuzzy llama, Funny llama, Llama, llama, duck! Llama, llama, Cheesecake, llama, tablet, brick, potato, llama, llama, llama, mushroom llama, llama, llama duck! I was once a treehouse, I lived in a cake,! But I never saw how the orange slayed the rake, I was only three years dead, but it told the tale! And now listen little child to the safety rail! Did you ever see a llama? Kiss a llama on the llama, Llama’s llama, Tastes of llama, Llama, llama, duck! Half a llama, twice a llama, not a llama, Farmer’s llama, llama in a car, Alarm a llama, Llama duck! Is that how it’s told now? Is it all so old? Is it made of lemon juice? Doorknob, ankle, cold, Now my song is getting thin I’ve run out of luck! Time for me to retire, now and become a duck!
(Barrow wight appears and grabs sword and begins to approach Sam)
Tom Billybobjoebadil: Here’s a llama, There’s a llama, and another little llama, Fuzzy llama, Funny llama, Llama, llama, duck! Llama, llama, Cheesecake, llama, tablet, brick, potato, llama, llama, llama, mushroom llama, llama, llama duck! I was once a treehouse, I lived in a cake,! But I never saw how the orange slayed the rake, I was only three years dead,….
(door opens in scenery Tom Billybobjoebadil and Frodo carry Merry&Pippin&Sam out. Tom Billybobjoebadil tips hat and leaves. Merry&Pippin&Sam wake up)
Frodo: WE’RE LEAVING NOW!
Sam: Ok!
Pippin: OK!
Merry: OK!
(All exit)


Scene 7

(standing in front of a wall with a door in it)
Frodo: looks like we found the Inn of the Killer Walrus!
Sam: Killer Walrus?
All (no Sam): SHUT UP!
(Merry knocks on wall door. Window opens and gatekeeper peers out)
Gatekeeper: What do you want?!! It’s 2:00 in the mornin’ for goodness sakes! Doesn’t a gatekeeper get any rest at aull?
Pippin: Uhhhh….Is the Inn of the Killer Walrus in there?
Sam: Killer Walrus?
All(no Sam): FOR THE LAST TIME SAM, SHUT UP!
Gatekeeper: well duh!
Frodo: OK, can you let us in then?
Gatekeeper: Well sure. But will you listen to some knock-knock jokes first!
Frodo: We’re kinda in a hurry…..
Gatekeeper: They’re really funny ones!
Frodo: Oh alright!
Gatekeeper: Knock-knock!
Frodo: Who’s th..
Gatekeeper: Interrupting Cow Moooooo!! Hee hee hee haw haw haw! That was so funny! HEE! Hee!
(hobbits stare at gatekeeper blankly)
Gatekeeper: ok, here’s another one! Knock knock!
Frodo: Who’s there?
Gatekeeper: Banana!
Frodo: Banana who?
Gatekeeper: Knock, Knock!
Frodo: Who’s there?
Gatekeeper: Banana!
Frodo: Banana who?
Gatekeeper: Knock, Knock!
Frodo: Who’s there?
Gatekeeper: Banana!
Frodo: Banana who?
Gatekeeper: Knock, Knock!
Frodo: Who’s there?
Gatekeeper: Banana!
Frodo: Banana who?
Gatekeeper: Knock, Knock!
Frodo: Who’s there?
Gatekeeper: Orange!
Frodo: Orange who?
Gatekeeper: Orange you glad I didn’t say banana? HEEE! HEE! HEE! HAW, HAW, HAW! HEE! HAW! HAW! HEEE! HEE! HEE! HAW, HAW, HAW! HEE! HAW! HAW!
HEEE! HEE! HEE! HAW, HAW, HAW! HEE! HAW! HAW!
Merry: Time to escape!
( hobbits knock down wall on top of Gatekeeper)

Scene 8
(hobbits stand inside the doorway of a crowded inn)
Pippin: So this is the Killer Walrus.
Sam: Killer Walrus?
Everyone in the inn (no Sam): SHUT UP!
(hobbits wander over to where manager sits behind bar)
Frodo: Excuse me sir. Have you seen a wizard named Gandalf come through here?
Manager: ‘Fraid not. Last time I saw ole Gandalf was when he was trying to convince me to let him date my daughter. Can you imagine that? A hundred year old bloke like that trying to date a sixteen year old? It was preposterous! And my daughter didn’t even like him in the first place! It was a hoot! Now what’s your name young hobbit?
(hobbits look horrified)
Frodo: Fro…Mr. Blundersnill. Ummm…That’s nice. When did this happen?
Manager: Oh, about 5 years ago.
Frodo: and you haven’t seen him since then?
Manager: Nope!
Frodo: uhhh…thanks for your help!
(hobbits wander back into crowd and find a table. They sit down. Merry&Pippin leave to go talk to some other people. Frodo hums, drums fingers on table, acts bored. Sam starts to sing the llama song under his breath. Frodo suddenly catches sight of a man wearing a black cloak with the hood pulled over his eyes. Frodo walks over to Manager)
Frodo: Who is that man over there in the corner?
Manager: Him? Oh that’s Mr.Moo. He’s one of the Hippies. Rather mysterious folk they are. He’s always at the inn at this time of year. Strange chap, very strange chap.
(Frodo goes back to chair and stares at the cloaked man in wonder. Cloaked man beckons him over frodo goes over to him)
Cloaked man: So, Mr. Blundersnill glad to meet you. I am Mr. Moo. Cows are my trade and I bade you do a jig on the table because I like ice cream and pickles!
(Frodo stands on table. Someone shouts “a song.” Others take up cry. Frodo blushes and then begins to sing )
Frodo: Here’s a llama, There’s a llama, and another little llama, Fuzzy llama, Funny llama, Llama, llama, duck! Llama, llama, Cheesecake, llama, tablet, brick, potato, llama, llama, llama, mushroom llama, llama, llama duck! I was once a treehouse, I lived in a cake,! But I never saw how the orange slayed the rake, I was only three years dead, but it told the tale! And now listen little child to the safety rail! Did you ever see a llama? Kiss a llama on the llama, Llama’s llama, Tastes of llama, Llama, llama, duck! Half a llama, twice a llama, not a llama, Farmer’s llama, llama in a car, Alarm a llama, Llama duck! Is that how it’s told now? Is it all so old? Is it made of lemon juice? Doorknob, ankle, cold, Now my song is getting thin I’ve run out of luck! Time for me to retire, now and become a duck!
All: YAAAAAAY!!!! Again!
(Frodo Sings again and at end jumps into air. Ring falls on finger. Disappear! Crowd awes ooos surprised ad lib Frodo reappears beside Mr. Moo.)
Mr. Moo.: Very good at drawing attention to yourself Mr. Baggins. Once this has settled down I would like a quiet word with you.
Frodo: Oh. I’m really better at loud words. And besides you told me to!
Mr. Moo.: Now Mr. Baggins don’t be a fool. You may hear some things that could be to your advantage.
Frodo: Really?
Mr. Moo: Like did you know that Harry Potter is going to pop up in 5 seconds and say “I’m really cool!”
Frodo: No.
(Harry potter pops up)
Harry Potter: I’m really cool!.
(everyone turns toward him and draw knives. Run at Harry Potter shouting angrily. Pippin reaches him first and stabs him. Harry potter dies)
Pippin: Eat mor Chikin!
Frodo: You can so not spell pippin who is so awesomely cool and works at chick-fil-a and likes carrots!
Pippin: I’m confuzzled!
Frodo: I worship the tartar sauce god!
Mr. Moo: LLAMAS!

Scene 9
(hobbits and Mr. Moo enter inn room. All sit down on cushy chairs.)
Mr. Moo: I believe that Mr. Blundersnill agreed to have a quiet talk with me.
Frodo: Uhhh…yes I did great tar-tar sauce god! But now that I think of it I think it best for me to leave the inn right away so I don’t have to have this talk remember I like loud words.
Mr. Moo: Mr. Baggins if you don’t have a quiet talk with me I will sing the A-Z Flower song!
Frodo: O-kay I’ll have a quiet talk.
Mr. Moo: Good. Now let me start. This evening I was behind a hedge when I heard voices. Four hobbits they were. And one said, “Remember I am not Frodo Baggins. I am Mr. Blundersnill.” This of course I found interesting and followed the hobbits to the inn.
Frodo: What would a resident of Bree care about a Mr. Baggins?!!!
Mr. Moo: Because I was looking for a bowl of ice cream. HA! NOT! I for one am not a resident of Bree and I was looking for a Mr. Baggins. NOT EITHER! I was stopping to smell the roses so I could find a milk shake! HA NOT! Just kidding. That was for real this time.
Frodo: Why were you looking for a milk shake?
Mr. Moo: To help it get away from the black riders.
Frodo: Why?
Mr.Moo: Uhhhh…Wait a second did I just say milk shake
Frodo: Yes.
Mr. Moo: Oh. I meant to say I was looking for a Mr. Baggins. I have randomitis. It’s very contagious but I don’t have it so….Whoops not again! Whenever I try to have a serious conversation! Peace out dudes! NOOOOO! SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!! Somewhere over the rainbow, where the frogs fall from trees….HELP! Gummy bears are cannibalistic….NO!
Frodo: Uh do you need help?
Mr. Moo: DUH!!! YO! YO! MY name is Aragorn in real life and I am dating a butter knife! AAGGHH! YOU FOOL I LIKE ARWEN NOW NOT THAT UTENSIL! I WAS ONLY 20!!!! Dude that knife was a whole lot sharper than the elf hippie! Hahahahahaha! Get it? Sharper! AUGGGH!
Frodo: Hahahaha! Now that was funny!
Mr. Moo: NO DON’T ENCOURAGE HIM!!! Metal is better than flesh and blood! STOP! LIKING METAL IS AGAINST THE HIPPIE CODE! FLOWER POWER! Wait a sec did I just violate the hippie code? I’m melting, I’m melting….! PHEW!
Frodo: Uhhhh….Can I leave?
Mr. Moo: So sorry about that. It’s rather embarrassing. Anyway you and your friends come with me. Oh yeah and I am also called Aragorn!
Frodo: Why??
Mr. Moo: Because my mother named me that! Oh you mean… because we must protect the ring from Sauron!! And because bananas are better! And because there’s a sale a JC Penny! It’s all inside! Whoops my other self again….AFLACK! hello mother, hello father, fleas ticks mosquitoes really bother…!
Frodo: I’m going to get the others!

Scene 10
(hobbits and Aragorn walk through dark plain)
Aragorn: (sings llama song and then sings)…Azaleas, buttercups, chrysanthemums, daffodils, elephant ear, fennel, gardenias, hyacinths, whateverplantstartswithani, johnny-jump-ups…
Hobbits: AAAAGGGH! NO! (ad lib)
Aragorn: Look there is a rock!
Frodo: Actually I think it is a plateau.
Aragorn: Rock!
Frodo: Plateau!
Aragorn: Rock!
Frodo: Plateau!
Sam: Guys we’re here! Actually it’s a mound of dirt.
Frodo&Aragorn: HA! I told you! Or actually…
(all crawl up dirt mound and camp. Blackout. Snoring is heard. Dim light comes on in center stage on dirt)
Frodo: NO! The milkshakes will attack if they see the light! They think it’s Macdonald’s!
Pippin: Too late.
Aragorn: Why is there light?
(Sam sits on light)
Merry: What light?
Aragorn: Oh never mind…
(screech is heard, light flares up from center stage. Enter Nazguls 1-4)
Nazgul#1: Don’t move or we’ll set the milkshakes on you! Wahaheehoha! (pauses) Ummm…Hey director? Was that evil laugh right?
Director: No, but don’t worry about it.
Nazgul#1: Anyway…These are the baddest of the bad! Strawberry, Mocha, and MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP!
Nazgul#2: Yes they’re very yummy! (begins to drink milkshake)
Nazgul#1: NO! NOT FOR EATING! Anyway…Wahanunawhawwawwow! Was that right?
Director: No. Just forget it. I’m going to take a coffee break.
Camera woman: Me too! I’m turning off the camera.
Aragorn: Uh…whose filming?
Merry: No one I guess.
Aragorn: Oh well….
Nazgul#3: ATTACK!!
Nazgul#4: RETREAT!!
Nazgul#2: Why?
Nazgul#4:I don’t know…it just sounded good.
Nazgul#2: Anyway…
Nazgul#1: That’s my line!!
Nazgul#3: Milkshakes away!!
(blackout, sounds of tussle are heard. Lights go back on. Nazguls are gone and Frodo lies on ground moaning and making choking noises)
Sam: Frodo was bitten by a milkshake!!
Pippin: (yawns) I know. It almost got the ring. Luckily I took care of that. (picks up milkshake from nearby rock and begins to drink)
Aragorn: We must get to the Riven Deli and soon!
Pippin: How? Why don’t we just drink milkshakes for the rest of the video.
All: OK!
(2 llamas appear)
Llama#1: Stop! It’s llama time!
Aragorn: Catch those llamas!
(chase llamas offstage then come back with llamas)
Pippin: Take us to Burger King!
Sam: Macdonald’s!
Merry: The Loop!
Aragorn: Ruby Tuesd…I mean the Riven Deli!
Llama#2: We can take you to the Riven Deli but the others are out of the question because the stock market just dropped eight points!
Pippin: I demand a lawyer! I want to sue!
(follow llamas offstage)
Act 2
Scene 11
(hobbits and Aragorn stand in large deli. Frodo moaning on floor. Counter at center stage were Arwen(hippie clothes) is at cash register. Tables and chairs scattered about. People eating)
Aragorn: Welcome to the Riven Deli!! Now we must get Frodo a sandwich fast!!!
(Aragorn rushes up to counter dragging Frodo behind him. Catches sight of Arwen at the register. Arwen and Aragorn stare at each other longingly)
Deli dude: One cheeseburger with pickle chips!
(Arwen blinks, shakes her head)
Arwen: One order of a cheeseburger with pickle chips!
(goes back to staring at Aragorn)
Aragorn: Butter knife!
Arwen: You want a butter knife?
Aragorn: I like a butter knife!
Arwen: You’d like a butter knife?
Aragorn: I love a butter knife!! (sob)
Arwen: WHAT!! (hits Aragorn over the head with frying pan)
Aragorn: Wait, Arwen I…(Arwen Hits him over the head again)
Arwen: You cheater!! I’m dumping you!!!
Aragorn: What!….No, wait…!
Frodo: (moan) P…B…and….J……sand…wich!
Aragorn: Oh yeah, I’d like a PB&J sandwich please!
Deli dude: Comin’ right up dude!
(takes pbj sandwich from under counter and gives to a who gives to frodo who eats and stands up)
Frodo: I feel much better now. YAY!
All: YAY!
Sam: PLAANTS!
(all stare at Sam)
Sam: Never mind.
(Elrond comes out from behind the counter)
Elrond: Yo come with me yo ringbearer yo and you yo too Aragorn yo!
( Elrond, Aragorn, and Frodo exit)

Scene 12
(aragorn, frodo, elrond and Legolas, Gimli, Boromir, Gandalf sit around table)
Elrond: Ok dudes. Like this meeting was yo like totally called yo to like say that like the ring totally is gonna get thrown in Mount Broom and you are the fellowship so you like have to you take it like there.
All: ok.
Pippin&Merry&Sam(offstage): Us too!!
Elrond: And you too. Hey wait a sec, yo…
Pippin: you already said yes!
Elrond: Yeah, but….never mind.
Frodo: (points at Gandalf) Hey there’s Gandalf! I wonder where he’s been!
Gandalf: Well….

Scene 13
(Gandalf walks down beach where Bikini Girl#1 and 2 lie wearing regular clothes. Gandalf wears sunglasses)
Gandalf: The name’s Gandalf. Uhhh…Just Gandalf. (Bikini girls ignore) HEY! Why aren’t you in bikinis!!
Bikini Girl#1: Wasn’t in the job description. All mine said was “self-explanatory”.
Bikini Girl#2: Yeah. Mine said “Ditto”.
Bikini Girl#1: We have absolutely no reason to wear bikinis.
Gandalf: But…but…..Waaaaaah!

Scene 14
(Crazyuman’s castle. Room with big table and puppet stage set up in corner. Crazyuman in a lizard costume and Gandalf sits beside him at table)
Crazyuman: Would you like a lollipop my friend?
Gandalf: Sure!
(Crazyuman Gives Gandalf a lollipop. Gandalf eats it)
Crazyuman: Would you like another one?
Gandalf: Yup!
(Crazyuman gives pop, Gandalf eats)
Crazyuman: Another?
Gandalf: Yes….Hey! These are poisonous, aren’t they?!
Crazyuman: No.
Gandalf: Phew!
Crazyuman: They’re just very attractive to rabid dogs!!
(dog runs in and sits on Gandalf’s chest)
Crazyuman: Now for the explaining of my evil plans! Brouhahaha!
Director(from offstage): At least someone can get an evil laugh right!!
(Crazyuman Takes off cloth covering crystal ball)
Crazyuman: This is a Palantir!
Gandalf: A pail of beer?
Crazyuman: Never mind. Time for the puppet show!
(Crazyuman Goes behind puppet stage. a puppet that looks like Crazyuman And a puppet that looks like Sauron enter from behind puppet stage)
Crazyuman puppet: Let’s look in my Palantir!
Sauron puppet: Hello my little friend. I see you’ve stopped by for a visit.
Crazyuman puppet: Yes I did.
Sauron puppet: I have something to tell you. (singing)
“I’m going to destroy Middle Earth!
Fire and Death and Murder!
Blowing up towns
And burning down houses
Death and Doom will arise!
Cuz I’m Sauron!
And I’m invincible!
I will get the ring!
So will you be my servant?
You will not die!!
And besides I’m filthy RICH!”
Well?
Crazyuman puppet: Of course I’ll be your servant!
(Crazyuman Comes out from behind puppet stage)
Crazyuman: See Gandalf? We must join Sauron! We will be all powerful!
Gandalf: No thank you.
Crazyuman: You must!
Gandalf: It’s a very tempting offer, but it would be even more tempting if Sauron were female! Haha! (drumroll)
Crazyuman: Then you shall die!
Gandalf: Doggie treat!
(Gandalf throws dog treat offstage dog runs after it. Gandalf gets up. James Bond theme plays)
Gandalf: The doggie treat trick. Works every time! (runs offstage)

Scene 15
(The fellowship is on stage. Stand in front of a cave. Sign on cave reads “ The Mines of Snoria (pillows provided)”)
Narrator: Haha! Did you forget about me?! Well I’m back! The Narrator rocks oh yeah! Anyway, the ring traveled many miles until the group decided to take a shortcut through the mines of Snoria. But first let’s introduce ourselves!
Gimli: Hello I’m Gimli the dwarf would you like me to style your beard?
Narrator: No.
Aragorn: Hello I’m Aragorn the hippie! Peace!
Pippin: Hello I’m Pippin when’s 890122344555557777890375762029385757th breakfast?
Merry: Hi I’m Merry. It’s 890122344555557777890375762029385758th breakfast now Pippin!
Frodo: Hi I’m Frodo the Ringbearer!
Boromir: Hi I’m Boromir. Please shut up.
Aragorn: why are you wearing all black? Mourning?
Boromir: Isn’t it obvious? I’m a Goth. Now shut up while I go on thinking morbid thoughts and carefully resenting all of you.
Sam: Hi I’m Sam! I love plants!
(Legaylas stares at Aragorn)
Narrator: Legayas? Legaylas? LEGAYLAS!!?
Legaylas: Oh sorry I’m Legaylas the elf!
Gandalf: Hi I’m Gandalf!
Aragorn: Let’s go into the Snoria place!
(blackout)
(when lights return cave like scenery. Skeletons lie at one end of the stage)
Legaylas: Suddenly I feel very sleepy.
(everyone pulls pillow out from under a rock and goes to sleep. Booming noise is heard. All wake up)
Gandalf: Ahh! There skeletons over there! (he walks over and pulls a note out of one of skeleton’s hands) It says “Llama, llama”.
All: Llama, llama?
Gandalf: Which in Dolphish translates into “Abdeleleblahga bleepblakda”, which in English is “I love waffles.”
Legaylas: O-kay.
(sleep monster enters waving big pillow)
Sleep monster: INTRUDERS!! PILLOW FIGHT!
All: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
(run frenzied around the stage sleepmonster tries to hit with pillow)
Pippin: Aha! We must run over there! (points offstage)
(all run. Gandalf gets trapped with the sleepmonster in front of him)
Gandalf: OOGLEY BOOGLEY TOOTHPASTE!!
Sleep monster: NOOOOOO! (falls back stage dragging Gandalf with him)
Merry: GANDALF!!!
(Frodo begins to sob)
Aragorn: It’s Ok. Maybe he’s not dead. Unfortunately we just got news that he is!
Frodo: It’s not that! He owed me $150,000,000!!! Waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!
Legaylas: I’m going to sing the YMCA song!
ALL: NOOOOOOOOOO!!
Legaylas: Young man, there's no need to feel down.
I said, young man, pick yourself off the ground.
I said, young man, 'cause you're in a new town
There's no need to be unhappy.
Young man, there's a place you can go.
I said, young man, when you're short on your dough.
You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to have a good time.
It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.
It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.
They have everything for you men to enjoy,
You can hang out with all the boys ...
It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.
It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.
You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal,
You can do what about you feel ...
Young man, are you listening to me?
I said, young man, what do you want to be?
I said, young man, you can make real your dreams.
But you got to know this one thing!
No man does it all by himself.
I said, young man, put your pride on the shelf,
And just go there, to the y.m.c.a.
I'm sure they can help you today.
It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.
It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.
They have everything for you men to enjoy,
You can hang out with all the boys ...
It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.
It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.
You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal,
You can do what about you feel ...
Young man, I was once in your shoes.
I said, I was down and out with the blues.
I felt no man cared if I were alive.
I felt the whole world was so tight ...
That's when someone came up to me,
And said, young man, take a walk up the street.
There's a place there called the y.m.c.a.
They can start you back on your way.
It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.
It's fun to stay at the y-m-c-a.
They have everything for you men to enjoy,
You can hang out with all the boys ...
Y-m-c-a ... you'll find it at the y-m-c-a.
Young man, young man, there's no need to feel down.
Young man, young man, get yourself off the ground.
Y-m-c-a ... you'll find it at the y-m-c-a.
Young man, young man, there's no need to feel down.
Young man, young man, get yourself off the ground.
Y-m-c-a ... just go to the y-m-c-a.
Young man, young man, are you listening to me?
Young man, young man, what do you wanna be?
(all exit)

Scene 16
(fellowship is in forest)
Narrarator: The ring traveled to the Forests of Slothlorien, where the queen Tortoisetadriel reigned. Would you like to hear a poem?
Llamas jumping on your bed,
Llamas dancing on your head,
Every where’s a llama, llama,
Llama books and llama drama
I love llamas, so do you
There’s llama spit on your shoe
All good llamas, when they die
Go to the Llama Palace in the sky!

(elf#1 and 2 enter and point bows and arrows at fellowship. Walk very slowly)
Elf#1: C…uuuuhhhh…..mmmmm…… www…iiiiii……ttthhh….. uuuuuhhhhhsssss.
Elf#2: Y…y…eeeeeee……sssss.
Aragorn: Ok.
(walk across stage where a throne is pushed on. Tortoisetadriel enters)
Tortoisetadriel: H…eee…..lllll……..oooooooo…..fffff….rrrriiiiii…..nnnndddd…sss. D..ddoooo fff..eeeeeeeee…llll….. w….eeeelllll….coooo…mmmmmee.
Frodo: okkee-dokey!
Tortoisetadriel: H…ooowww….eeevvvv…eeerrr,….rrriiiinnggg….bbbeeaaarrreerr, yyoooouuuuu wwwiiiiilllllll haaaavvveee toooo lllleaave fffffaassttt sssoooo tthhheee oooorrrcccs dddoonnn’ttt fffiiiinnndddd yyyyoooouu. Rrest.
Frodo: Okay.
(blackout)
(lights arise on same scene with boat center stage)
Tortoisetadriel:: GGGG…ooooooddd…..bbbbbiiiiiii!
All: Bye!
(stagehands push boat offstage with fellowship in it)

Scene 17
(stagehands push boat across stage)
Sam: We’re off to see Mt. Broom in the horrible Land of Storage Closet!
Aragorn: let’s stop the boat here!
(boat stops all get out)
Aragorn: Let’s sing the Llama song!
All: Ok!!!
ALL: Here’s a llama, There’s a llama, and another little llama, Fuzzy llama, Funny llama, Llama, llama, duck! Llama, llama, Cheesecake, llama, tablet, brick, potato, llama, llama, llama, mushroom llama, llama, llama duck! I was once a treehouse, I lived in a cake,! But I never saw how the orange slayed the rake, I was only three years dead, but it told the tale! And now listen little child to the safety rail! Did you ever see a llama? Kiss a llama on the llama, Llama’s llama, Tastes of llama, Llama, llama, duck! Half a llama, twice a llama, not a llama, Farmer’s llama, llama in a car, Alarm a llama, Llama duck! Is that how it’s told now? Is it all so old? Is it made of lemon juice? Doorknob, ankle, cold, Now my song is getting thin I’ve run out of luck! Time for me to retire, now and become a duck!
(while singing Frodo sneaks over to stage left. Boromir follows him)
Aragorn: Hey where did Frodo go?
ALL: I don’t know.
Aragorn: Oh well…
(spotlight on left stage where Boromir has cornered Frodo)
Boromir: You shall die!!!
Frodo: Why? Has the Ring got to you?
Boromir: No. You VIOLATED THE GOTH DRESS CODE BY WEARING YELLOW!! DIE FRODO BAGGINS!!!
Frodo: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH! (runs offstage)
Boromir: I don’t know what came over me. I think I’ll go and get myself killed by running up to those orcs over there
.(walks offstage. Frodo re-enters on stage right)
Frodo: (begins to climb up a rock.) Must get to Sauron so I can buy some of his stock!
Narrarator: And so this part of the epic trilogy of the Ring is done. And now the actors can all drink milkshakes and sing the llama song more than the 6½ times they are required to in the script. Revoir!

The End

Special edition features
(this includes “what happened to the director and camera woman on their coffee break” and deleted scenes.)

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE DIRECTOR AND CAMERA WOMAN ON THEIR COFFEE BREAK

(walking down sidewalk to café)
Director: The weather is nice today.
Camera Woman: Yes. Very sunny.
(fake snow falls on ground)
Director: Yes. So un-dangerous.
( large rock falls behind them)
Camera Woman: Yes.
(Alien spaceship lands behind them. Frying pan lid. Alien enters)
Alien: I’m going to abduct you. Weehhheetatatya!
Director: That’s nice.
(blackout)
(when lights return interior of spaceship scene. D and CW sit in chairs beside the AUTHOR.)
Camera Woman: Who are you?
AUTHOR: oh, I’m the AUTHOR.
Director: THE AUTHOR? Really?
AUTHOR: Yep.
Camera Woman: Wow! Can I have your autograph?
AUTHOR: Sure.
(signs piece of paper CW gives)
Director: Uh can you write us out of this ship?
AUTHOR: Of course.
(writes on autograph paper. Auth, D, and CW exit. Alien enter)
Alien: Time to go to the dissecting room!! Hey where’d they go? (looks around) Oh strawberry DNA! They escaped!!
(exit)
THE END
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
DELETED SCENES
(Sauron and llamas sit in office)
Llama#1: We’d like to buy some shares.
Sauron: OK.
Llama#2: 200 shares for $3.65 each!
(saur. Writes down.)
Sauron: Hey the stock market just jumped five hundred points!
Llamas: WOOHOOO!
Sauron: LET’S PARTAY!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Sauron spins around in wheelie chair. Gollum sits in chair beside wheelie chair)
Sauron: WOOHOO! This is fun.
Gollum: That’s not really good for your position sir. Spinning around makes you seem irresponsible.
Sauron: Oh. I’ll stop. And Gollum, I was thinking I should make the new orcs out of sugar and spice and everything nice. What do you think?
Gollum: That’s not very in sir. What’s in right now is monsters made from hammers, and nails, and puppy dog tails.
Sauron: I’ll use those then. Hey Gollum have you seen my stuffed bunny rabbit? Hoppy has been missing all day and I can’t get to sleep without him. You know that.
Gollum: I think one of the orcs ate it.
Sauron: Hoppy is gone!! WAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
(another Saur. Enters)
Other Sauron: Move out of the way understudy!!
(Understudy leaves)
Real Sauron: Time to blow up some towns!( Picks up a remote control. Starts pressing buttons and exploding and boom noises are heard)This is fun. Wahoo!
Acknowledgements
To Renu Gharpure for introducing me to the Llama song, Jackie Blaine for writing the llama poem, and most of all to J.R.R Tolkien for writing the best series in the world, Lord of the Rings.

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